I feel as if i exist in a no-persons land, as far as gender goes. Well certainly in a realm that most media and many people in day to day life would think doesn't exist anyway.
Gender binarism, at least in my opinion, is not nearly enough to describe the range of gender identity and expression out there.
Most people do, I feel, fit into one or another social gender category, and the binary for them works. This is regardless of whether they had to affirm that gender, or were born to it.
For some, including myself, we are content to sit in a realm in between gender, and find it to be a cultural and personal annoyance that humans stupid monkey brains automatically assign people to one or another.
There are a few reasons I feel that I don't quite fit in either camp.
Clothing. I used to think that perhaps I was like the male "transvestite" or whatever one is meant to call it. That I was simply a woman who got a sexual thrill out of dressing in mens clothing, binding, wearing a gel/condom packie etc.
However considering how most of my day to day clothes come from either the 'sports department (i.e. Utility clothing - singlets and plain coloured fitted womens shirts the like), or the mens department (jeans, black tshirts, jackets, shoes). I feel as if maybe womens clothing is also a "special occasion thing" for me. I almost never wear feminine clothes without some kind of co-ersion, or ulterior motive. It also feels strange, and uncomfortable. When I put on a skirt, even if I'm wearing it with flat shoes and a t-shirt, I feel like a cross - dresser, I feel as if everyone can see that I'm not meant to be wearing that kind of thing. However sometimes if i am alone at home and feeling horny I will wear a skirt and heels, or will go all drag king (not that i feel i could pull off either in public anyway). But this is definitely in the 'kink' category for me, either way.
Social. I simply have more male friends. The female I befriend are few and far between, and I generally feel more at ease working with, and talking with menfolk. My interests have typically been very nerdy. When I was in my preteens through to the end of high school, I participated in large (and small) M:Tg tournaments. At the large ones I was almost always the only female under 18 (as compared to usually 100 or so teen boys), and usually there were only a few adult females as well (out of a few hundred people). In our local small tournaments, I was always the only female represented there. And I always had a great time playing with my opponent, made nerdy jokes with them, and talked about rules-lawyering etc, general 'guy' stuff in that context i think. (as long as the other kid wasnt like eww girls).
This has continued on into my adult life, where mainly due to my range of interests (nerdy stuff, working as a musician etc), I have ended up spending a lot of time ine male dominated environments, and except the people or situations where i was viewed as a sexual interest, or a threat because of my femininity, it has been a natural thing for me.
Much to my distaste, I do also have some persistent sexist stereotypes about women. I tend to presume that they are flighty, un-interested in serious discussion, and could not beat me at games. I also think that if someone is highly interested in fashion that they wouldn't be interested in like . . . Cool stuff. This, and the 'giggling/gossiping' thing tends to turn me off pursuing friendships, or for that matter relationships with most women I meet.
This being said, I do enjoy the semi-regular gossip and chat with girls, and like having some around so that when I am all like "omg hottie" i can talk about it with them. And I am sure that in some ways my typical linguistic style has many typically "female" markers. Although the truth behind the linguistic differences in gender is hotly debated.
Sexuality etc. The other areas, point to me being mostly on the neutral-male side of the fence. However as far as a lot of other aspects go, I sit far more on the feminine. I call myself bi. Though it is fairly innacurate, as I am mainly theoretically interested in females romantically. Sexually I desire to kiss, but nothing else, the idea of sex with a chick kind of doesn't turn me on, and the one time I have, it was not fun. However, my label of bi comes from the very small subsection of girls that completely make me crush on them (short, petite, slight filipino/islander looks), AND from my thoughts on finding love.
I am of the very strong belief that if a person is right for you, it doesn't matter what gender they are, or anything else for that matter. So my label of 'bi' is because if the right person came along, and it was a woman, well then i would totally go for it. (luckily for me I have already found someone amazing so this is even more theoretical <3 )
But more on where this makes me sit on the gender spectrum. Relationship wise, (as stated above I'm mainly attracted to men), I like to have someone who can be in charge, at least sometimes. I enjoy feeling feminine in this realm, sexually, and in general in the interaction of the relationship. Obviously the nature of any relationship should be equal, but I enjoy being able to give up some control at times, when I like to have power and strength in the rest of my life.
On a slightly different note, that fits in with the relationship thing, another part of me that is highly feminine, is that I have a strong desire to look after people. My friends if there is a party, making sure my house is clean and organised to help my housemates, I desire to help and nurture in the community in general, I have been known to be the person to go and hug and comfort someone that is upset at work or wherever and I strongly want to adopt or foster kids, so that I can help others who don't have anyone else.
In conclusion.
This post ended up making much less sense than it did in my head when i was thinking about it yesterday . . .
However this being said, I really don't like random strangers hitting on me, and in my general life, I would prefer it if people didn't identify me strongly as being either male or female. I feel it distracts from them seeing who *I* am, as they lump me in as being a girl, with all the stereotypes I identified before and more. I get read almost always as female, but I feel as if neither gender works for me. People refering to me as 'she' causes as much cognitive dissonance as when I get called 'sir' at cafes when I have my hair tied up. I do wish my body was slightly less revealing of me as either gender! But that is unlikely to happen, so instead I will stick with wearing comfy pants, trying not to show my boobs (unless I'm trying to seduce), and continuing to be perplexed when people lump me in with this mysterious group known as 'girls'. I imagine if I was categorised as male I would be just as perplexed though, so meh. I'm very happy the way I am, so it is all theoretical anyway.
So yeah. Case study complete, two genders are never enough. Gender is a spectrum, where people sit at many points. I think the barely feminine women are as natural and awesome as the hyper feminine women (and men and others of all types too.) I just wish society had neutral gender pronouns, and realised the amazing variety of people we have in the world.
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crazy
hyper
surprised
